It was getting late and the last thing she could focus on right now were the books in front of her. Both of these were very good reasons for Rua to call it a night and go home. Lugh and the children would be waiting and she couldn't deny she was getting hungry... she closed the book a little too hard and had to hold her head against the noise now ricocheting around her skull. She got up from the desk, extinguished the candles, and locked the door behind her. When she turned to face the heart of the citadel, lights danced and flickered before her eyes. That too shot bolts through her head. It took some concentration but the lights finally settled back down to the windows they belonged to and the ache in her head went back to a dull throb. It was going to worsen when she got home. Lugh's mother was wearing a somewhat disapproving look lately and any day now her resolution not to interfere would fall victim to 'someone having to say something'. The way things were going lately, it would be tonight when it was the last thing Rua wanted to deal with. Of course she'd been wrong before.
The guard at the transport circle beside her office nodded over. "Going home tonight then, Rua?"
Her immediate reaction was to snap at him that her work routine was no concern of his, but she noticed his smile just in time. He wasn't trying to give her a hard time, wasn't trying to be smart, it was just a friendly jibe from a bored guard. She was far too much on edge tonight. A dangerous time to face Lugh or Mairead. She smiled back at him.
"Actually Sam, I need to visit a friend first." She walked past him into the circle. His face was puzzled. "I won't be long."
Once satisfied Sam was outside the bounds of the circle, Rua said the words she had grown quite fond of. "Trí mo chumhacht féin, iompar chuille lastigh an ciorcal seo go dtí an Holy Isle."
Tirahn loved his work. Right now he was sitting by the fire with a mug of hot broth chuckling away to himself as he read the reports the children in has class had written on their heroes. There was one in particular he would have dearly loved to send on to Prince Mog - the subject of it for no other reason than that he was very good at troll ball. It never ceased to amaze him how children saw the world. He wondered briefly what Blaithín would have written about her mother had she still been with the class. There was no question in his mind that Rua would have been the subject and it would have been most interesting to see her through her daughter's eyes. He jumped when someone knocked at his door. Quickly dabbing the spilt broth from his shirt with a napkin, he clambered from under the papers to answer the door. It was a late hour for visitors but it wasn't unusual for his sister to come over once her children were all put to bed. What was unusual was seeing Rua there when he opened the door. But he hadn't dozed off while marking the papers, it was definitely her.
"Rua? You're back already?"
"That's not the welcome you promised me, Tirahn."
He smiled instantly, stepped forward and hugged her. "Is that better?"
"Much." She squeezed him, then drew away. "I'm not really back. It's just a visit." Looking around him into his little house she glimpsed the papers now on the small side table. "If I'm not interrupting anything, that is."
"Of course not." He kept right on smiling at her.
"Tirahn?"
"Yes?"
"It's quite cold out here."
His face turned a burning red as he remembered himself and let her inside. "Of course. Sorry." He pointed out a chair. "You know the rules. Are you hungry? I've only got broth and a little bread but it's hot."
"Oh please." She nodded but he was already on his way to the kitchen. She hung her cloak up on the hooks behind the door and cleared off the chair before sitting down by the fire. The flames flickered into the corner of her eye and reminded her of all that was not well inside. She rubbed at her temple just as Tirahn returned with a tray. He took one look at her and shook his head.
"Head again? When did you last eat?" Moving the papers with one hand, he put the tray on the little table and pushed it towards her.
"Breakfast. Now don't fret. It doesn't suit you."
Putting on his best stern voice, "And studying all that time I bet. Rua, you're going to make yourself sick."
"This looks good, Tirahn." She pulled off a piece of bread and dipped it into the soup before eating it. Her eyes said it wasn't half bad at all. "I wish I could just have been studying. That's not it this time. Armengar will never let it be just that."
Tirahn sat and watched her eat for a short while. She had lost some of her colour. Don't fret. It wasn't his place to but he was beginning to wonder if anyone in Armengar would do it. Only when he was satisfied she had some food in her did he ask what she was doing there.
"What happened today, Rua?"
She shook her head. "You wouldn't believe it if I told you. I don't want to believe it." She put the bowl down. "How could they? How could anyone who calls themselves Armengarian do that? They attacked their own - tried to kill their own!"
Tirahn sat up. "Who?"
"I don't know! If we knew who they were we could deal with it. Fionnuala recognised one of them as one of her priests. Cosaint thinks it's the same people that sent me that letter."
"The one given to your daughter?"
"Right. He says they were spouting the same nonsense - wanted the Tribe out. Thing is, they were already leaving! They decided last week. Can't say I blame them, the amount of bickering going on at the moment."
"You expected that."
She sighed. "I hoped for better. But as irritating as the arguing is, at least they're expressing their grievances out loud - they're not sneaking around with letters and then attacking our own people!"
"They can't hide forever."
"No. No they can't." Another sigh and Rua returned to her food. Only when the bowl was empty did she look back up. Tirahn was waiting patiently.
"It's out of hand. Fraoch is I think overwhelmed by being Protector without Chareos there to back him up. He almost got himself killed rushing off into the catacombs by himself."
Tirahn frowned. "Do I want to know what's in the catacombs?"
Rua's smile was without humour. "Some sick minded ex-Tribe member that gets pleasure out of goading people into doing stupid things. Unfortunately we're all too happy to accommodate."
Tirahn leaned forward, folding his arms onto his knees. "Are you perhaps being a little harsh on your fellow countrymen?"
Rua looked at him a long moment before finally answering. "No, I'm being a lot harsh. I know all the explanations, Tirahn. We've fought all our lives, we don't know how to stop. Sometimes I even wonder if the only reason Cosaint, Midir, and I have the ideas we do is because we don't know how to live without an impossible battle to fight. We've never dealt with this kind of thing before. Do what you're told and you'll live longer. That's what we were all taught and all we needed to know. It's going to be hard work and it's going to take a long time. I'm forever telling people that, hoping they'll dare hope too, but there's some days when I can say it how ever many times I want and still I feel nothing but despair."
"From what you say I don't think anyone will blame you for feeling that way today."
She closed her eyes into her hands and rubbed at her head. "Caillte told me Cosaint was hurt bad. He could have been killed."
Tirahn tilted his head, trying to see her face again. "You really care about him, don't you?"
Her face was immediately uncovered. "He's a friend. Of course I do. And we can't afford to lose any of the few cool heads we have." She fell back into the chair. "Not that he doesn't do the odd foolish thing himself."
He waited.
"He sent a letter to Felix. I don't know what he was thinking. It looks like it worked but I don't trust it. And I shouldn't have had to find out about it from Fraoch."
Tirahn looked puzzled. "You might need to fill in a few gaps there, Rua. Felix?"
Her answer was close to a growl. "Murderous scum in the catacombs. When Fraoch got himself captured by being an idiot, Ajax went in after him. Also got captured. We got Fraoch back but not Ajax. So Cosaint wrote a letter to Felix saying he wanted the healer back and asking what Felix wanted. And then we get Ajax back without too much difficulty, that letter stuck in his pocket."
Tirahn was still confused. "So what's the problem?"
"The problem, is first of all that Cosaint threads difficult ground with the rest of us. He's... unique amongst Armengarians. If this gets out there's certain people that will only see him bargaining with the enemy. They'll hang him by it. And second, Felix never said what he wanted. I have a horrible feeling this is going to go bad." And then she smiled. "But you know what really bothers me?"
Tirahn smiled back. "I'm guessing that you found out about it from Fraoch."
She nodded. "Yes. I can be just as childish as the rest of them. Thing is, I really thought he trusted me more than that, you know?"
"I'm sure that's not it, Rua."
"I know it must be hard for him to trust any of us - I'm ashamed to say Armengar has been less than understanding towards him. While the rest of us were learning to watch each other's backs and trust it to be done in return, he was learning to watch his own against all of us. It's a wonder he ever approached me at all that time. I still don't know why he did. But he's always been courageous - even to the point of stupidity sometimes. I just thought he knew he wasn't alone in this anymore!"
Tirahn could only shrug his shoulders. He wasn't sure what it was, but something about what she was saying or the way she was saying it was slightly unsettling. Perhaps it would make more sense if he knew this man but that was a story Rua never seemed to want to tell. He was all too aware there was a lot she wasn't telling him.
"He probably knows the risks he's taking and doesn't want to get you involved if it goes sour."
"But I am involved. Fraoch gave me this letter to read asking what I thought of it, did I think it was anything we needed to worry about. I could only say it looked like he tried for a peaceful solution and it might even have worked. I should have known about it. Did he really think Felix wouldn't delight in sending it back out to us?"
Tirahn took a breath. He was going to have to say it sooner or later. "You know I'm not the one you should really be talking to about this."
Rua grimaced. "Last time I saw him he was still feeling more than just the physical bruises of the attack. He's in no better mood than I am. Now is not the time." She blinked and suddenly she looked to Tirahn to be as young and as lost as he suspected she was. "I'm sorry. I know so much of this is meaningless to you. I hope I'm not overstepping-"
He was rapidly shaking his head. "You're not. It's fine Rua. I told you before you can come and talk any time you want. I'll probably never have answers for you, but I'll still listen."
Rua shifted uncomfortably in her chair. "I'm not used to this."
Tirahn's brow creased. "Used to what?"
"Talking so much. I never really had all that many friends."
He ventured a chuckle but quickly stopped when he saw she was not joining him. "I find that hard to believe."
"It's true." She shrugged. "After my father died I withdrew a lot. I still did everything I was told to do but I was always so afraid of what people thought of me, I didn't want to stick around long enough to find out. It didn't take long for them to stop trying to convince me otherwise. Then I married Lugh and he was all the friend I needed." Seeing the look on his face, she quickly added, "I wasn't unhappy. Lugh really was enough for me back then. There wasn't anything I needed to talk about that I couldn't say to him."
Tirahn couldn't help but notice the way her voice trailed off. He really didn't want to ask but he knew he was going to. "Are you saying there is now?"
That drove her gaze into her hands. When she finally answered it was in a voice so quiet he could barely hear her. "He's not the same man I married."
The warning bells were sounding. A voice in his head yelled for him to get out of this conversation now, send her home, never speak of this again, do not, under any circumstances, get involved. And yet his mouth kept right on going. "A lot of things are changing right now."
"I know. I've changed too. I'm not the same girl he married. And I know that used to bother him, but now? It's as if the fight has gone from him."
Tirahn was at a loss. His longest relationship had lasted maybe a year. This was precisely the territory he should not be entering. But she just admitted there wasn't anyone else for her to go to... he was an idiot. "What do you mean?"
She folded her arms and chewed her lip until her thoughts were slightly more coherent. "We lost people during the moots, Tirahn. I saw it in him - the thoughts that I might not make it back from the Gathering. I know he wanted more than anything to tell me not to go. To be honest I still don't know why he didn't. I thought it was the most remarkable show of restraint I've ever seen. But when I came home - it was like someone stole my husband away and left this man that walks and talks and... does other things like him, but it's not the same man."
He'd heard of some weird things happening - particularly surrounding these events, but... "Rua, you don't really think-"
She almost laughed. Almost. "No of course not. But such a change. Sure it's all working out in my favour, but... I don't trust it."
"Rua..."
"The man I knew would never have let me come here for the last month without a fight but as much as I was dreading that fight... it threw me when it didn't happen. I didn't know what to say to him. He had all this speech thing in his head - that's not him! Even when I told him what happened in the Mordred ritual - nothing I said could get a reaction from him! I don't know what's happening, Tirahn. Maybe he knows I'm going to do it anyway and figures it's just easier to accept it. If that's so I wish he'd just say it - at least I'd know how he really feels. You know what he said when I told him I was going to let Blaithín come back here for the school year? Nothing. When I said I knew she'd be well taken care of he said that was all he needed to know. I'm glad for her sake. Her life is complicated enough right now." She had to stop. She needed to catch her breath. When she looked at Tirahn he seemed just a touch bewildered but he put on a brave face.
"Are you sure you really want to question this? Could it be he just wants to see you and Blaithín happy?"
"That's what he says."
"But you don't believe him."
She caught her breath, then slowly released it, all the time considering. "I don't think it's as simple as that. I think that's the excuse he's telling himself and one day he's going to realise it. He'll try to get things back the way they were, he won't be able to, and I don't know where that's going to leave us."
Tirahn was stuck for words. Quite apart from being miles out of his depth, he never had any inkling she might feel this way. And from the sounds of it this wasn't something that only began in the last week and a bit she was away. Fooling him was an easy thing to do, given, but how well was she hiding it from those at home? He suspected he knew the answer. "This is serious Rua. You have to talk to him."
That flicker of reluctance in her eyes confirmed it. "Maybe it is just the changes going on around. Things might settle down."
He leaned even closer to her. "Did you hear what I just said?"
Rua let the fire catch her attention. It was getting a little uncomfortable under Tirahn's scrutiny. He was of course over reacting to what she told him. It wasn't that bad. "Tirahn, I'm tired. I'm probably making it sound a lot worse than it is."
Tirahn remained unconvinced. "You're hundreds of miles away late in the night without any dinner. I'm sure everything's really just fine." It came out somewhat sterner than he had intended. Caught in her sudden glare he almost wished he hadn't said it, except that it was what she needed to hear.
"We don't talk about these things. We never had to." Her voice was strained and had a slight whining quality to it.
"Then that too must change."
Rua closed her eyes briefly while pushing herself from the chair. She gave Tirahn a weak smile. "You're right. It's late. Thank you for your patience."
Automatically rising, he frowned. "Any time... are you going to be okay?"
She nodded. "I'll be better once I've slept. And I'll think about what you said."
Deep inside, Tirahn groaned. He wanted to shake her and tell her to do it, not think about it, but it was not his place to choose for her. She was a grown woman after all. And from the colour of the skin under her eyes, one that was going to work herself into a far too early grave. "And slow down. You'll make yourself-"
She was already pulling on her cloak when she turned around to him. "Leave it alone, Tirahn. We live fast lives. We push ourselves too hard sometimes. It's who we are."
"But it doesn't have to be that way anymore, does it?" He already knew the answer but asked anyway.
She smiled and opened the door to let herself out. "It's who we are. Goodnight Tirahn. I'll see you again soon."
"Goodnight Rua." And she was gone. Tirahn sank back into his chair, not sure at all how that had gone. Did he help at all or did he just offend her? It was impossible to tell. After a moment of scratching his head and worrying about it, he came to his conclusions. For all his young friend's talk of change, she was still stuck in a few routines of her own. He could only hope she would break out of some of them in time.
When Rua reappeared into Armengar, Lugh was there pacing by the circle. His reaction to run to her was quickly tempered when he remembered the circle. He stopped just short of it and waited for her.
"Lugh? What are you doing here?"
"It's late. I didn't want you walking home alone with all that's happening. I came to get you and Sam told me you went through the circle. Where were you?"
She smiled and patted his arm. "That's sweet but I'm fine. I had to see someone."
His frown was so deep his eyebrows were almost meeting. "Who do you need to see at this time?"
"Tirahn. Blaithín's teacher. I just needed to organise a few things with him. That's all." There was an intake of breath beside her but before he could say anything, Rua continued. "I'm sorry you came out here and had to wait. I didn't know you were going to do that. I'm really very tired, Lugh. It's been a long day."
He let the breath go. Whatever he wanted to say, didn't seem to matter. She looked every bit as tired as she said she was. More. Putting his arm around her he said, "Then we should get home."
There was silence between them as they walked. Only when they were within sight of home, did Lugh break it.
"Rua? Is everything alright?"
Rua did as she told Tirahn she would. She thought about. Looking up with a smile, she kissed Lugh on the cheek. "Of course it is. Everything's fine."
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